My Revolutionary
by YourPontmercyFriend
Summary: This started out as a parody of My Immortal but turned into les amis are scene kid vampire rights activists and build a barricade in Forks, Washington. Happy Halloween!


It all started in Starbucks.

It was always a different Starbucks, but a Starbucks nevertheless.

Ebonine Demonblood Ouija Raven Darkskull Thenardier the Second sighed as she stared at her crushes, which meant almost everyone.

Almost only because her best friend Grantaire was only slightly less buttfuck ugly than before he'd gotten neon green streaks in his mop of curly hair. Everyone else was gorgeous. Ebonine was of course the prettiest.

To start, her neighbor was her true love. He was a sad bisexual boy with naturally black hair and a secret. She had fallen for him instantly.

Then there was Enjolras, who looked the most like a prep out of all of them with his mostly blond hair with a segment of it dyed red white and blue as a tribute to France. Or Iceland. Perhaps Costa Rica. Maybe Russia. The UK? So many countries have red white and blue it's hard to tell, but most people assume it was for America.

They lived in Seattle after all.

"IKEA had a coffin sale," announced Enjolras.

Ebonine desperately wanted a new one to sleep in and hoped he'd saved one for her.

"May I have one, for artistic purposes?" asked a boy with cherry red hair with dead flowers braided into it. He gave Enjolras a baleful stare enhanced by his freshly applied raccoon eyes and Enjolras shook his head.

"I'm afraid not. I have appropriated them for reasons pertaining to social justice."

"Say," drawled Grantaire, pushing some of his bright green curls out of his eyes. "Haven't you lectured quite a bit on appropriation? Something about being offensive?"

Combeferre snorted, his black and purple locks falling in front of his sunglasses. "I know that none of you take it seriously since Enjolras used The Nightmare Before Christmas to teach you about it but it's really quite serious. Grantaire, you ought to know better."

"ANYWAY!" roared Enjolras. "I have a plan. I propose we go to Forks, the vampire Capitol of America, and build a barricade made out of coffins to get attention and create positive change."

Laigle de Meaux, who they simply called Talon, raised his hand. "Did you happen to bring all these coffins with you? Because I couldn't find a parking spot because of some asshole's U-Haul truck."

Enjolras nodded and Grantaire got up to wrap his arms around him. "I love the idea of spending some time over on the Olympic side of the state. It's so beautiful here, out by the ocean especially so."

Ebonine internally seethed as Enjolras smiled and kissed Grantaire on the mouth. She was much prettier than he was and it didn't make any sense that Enjolras should like him more than her. If heckling and playing the devils advocate and being generally annoying was the way to Enjolras's heart, she should be walking down the aisle with him.

But there was always Marius. He was running a hand through Courfeyrac's spiked pink hair and kissing his cheek gently, like he didn't sink his fangs into Courfeyrac's neck and drink his blood on a regular basis.

Oh yeah. So Marius's secret wasn't really a secret anymore. Vampires had stayed hidden for centuries, and had only recently come out as real, which meant panic, fear, vampire killings (they aren't indestructible and some things that kill humans will kill them just as easily), and a few kinksters whose dreams came true.

"What I don't get," said Marius as he yawned and showed his fangs, "is why coffins are a symbol of vampires. Without people killing us, we can live quite a long time. Why aren't we represented by turtles?"

Joly, the other resident vampire in the group shrugged. "I'm not sure, but bats have led me to believe that sleeping upside down is great for your health. You really out to try it."

"I have to untie you from the ceiling every morning, it's quite irritating," muttered Talon.

Marius and Joly were practically friends by default. The University of Washington was one of the few colleges in the country to accept vampires as students that was also located in an area with weather they like.

"So are we going on our road trip?" asked Courfeyrac. He carefully French kissed Marius and snuggled him, as if Marius would ever feel warm.

"Tomorrow," said Enjolras. "It's a long drive. And I have homework."

"I might even let you do that homework," teased Grantaire as he slipped a hand under Enjolras's shirt and rubbed his chest.

Ebonine moved to sit closer to Marius and asked, for the millionth time, "Won't you please turn me into a vampire? I want it so bad!"

Marius shook his head. "I'm not going to turn anyone, sorry. I'd sooner kill someone than make them go through what I do."

"I bet if Courfeyrac asked you would!"

Courfeyrac grinned. "But why would I want to when I can enjoy narcotic saliva and being bitten, with dinner and sex afterwards?"

"What about your crush? Isn't it hard wanting to date a girl who doesn't know you're a vampire yet? I know, and I love it."

Marius turned to Courfeyrac and said quickly, "I need blood."

Bahorel and Feuilly were snuggled together in the back of the Starbucks and Ebonine felt jealous. Bahorel was something of a living blood bank and let any vampires he came across drink from him. That might change though, seeing as his boyfriend Feuilly was turning into one.

Feuilly had been bit a week ago by a grumpy vampire who hadn't bothered holding back their venom. He wasn't quite a vampire yet, but he was getting there. He still had to lose his human canine teeth so fangs could grow in, and he wasn't thirsty for blood yet. Feeling his fangs starting to push out his human teeth was painful and he desperately wished that vampires had health insurance for this sort of thing.

At the moment he was snuggled into Bahorel's arms and struggling not to cry. Ebonine thought it was kind of hot, but Feuilly had yelled at her for saying so.

The next day everyone took an ungodly amount of coffee with them for the drive across Washington. Enjolras got emotional when they drove past the Roman-esque architecture of the Olympia Capitol building poking out over the tops of the trees, and Ebonine said it was hot when sensitive bisexual guys cry.

"I! AM! NOT! BISEXUAL!1!1111!1!" screeched Enjolras as Combeferre winced at the wheel. They were following Bahorel and Feuilly in the U-Haul filled with IKEA coffins on the highway and it was one of the weirdest experiences of Combeferre's life.

"Hey Enjolras," said Courfeyrac. "How do you manage to get 1's mixed in with your exclamation marks when you talk? It's weird."

Enjolras shrugged and wiped his eyes.

Talon's phone buzzed and he checked it. "Well Joly, Musichetta says she's had enough. She's going out and getting a thermostat for our sex dungeon."

"It's not that cold down there!"

"Yes it is in autumn and winter!"

"Bite me!" Joly and Talon paused for a moment before bursting out laughing.

After a long and beautiful drive with awkward stops at rest areas ("Why do vampires have their own restroom? Are we another gender?!" exclaimed Joly) they arrived in Forks.

As expected, it was a rather small town, with a few nods to the Twilight series that made it matter enough to show up on the weather channel radar.

"I think we could park the truck parallel to the road and be done with the barricade," said Courfeyrac.

"No!" They were pulled off in a parking lot with the back of the truck facing the road and Enjolras opened the door and stood inside. "We must build it. Get a move on!"

Joly applied half a bottle of sunscreen to his exposed skin despite it being overcast. Marius and Courfeyrac saw there was work to do and excused themselves to begin their bite-food-sex cycle. They got a motel room at discount price, although out of fear or respect Marius had no idea.

"Thank fuck we don't have to assemble all these," said Bahorel as they unloaded coffins into the street. People were giving them glares but no one really cared enough to stop them.

Feuilly decided to rest in the cafe by the street and drink an Italian soda. He could wiggle his right canine and feel it shift in his mouth. It felt so loose, but he was a bit scared to pull it out since it had a root, even though the root was the source of pain.

The pile of coffins in the street made a decent barricade, almost fifteen feet tall at the top.

"How many IKEAs did you raid?" asked Marius with a baffled look.

"As many as I could find," replied Enjolras from the top. He draped a banner that read "EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ALL. STOP VAMPHOBIA." across the front and sat down on his perch.

A lot of people would argue with Enjolras and say that vampires are dangerous and not to be trusted. He would say humans are the same, and that no one should be persecuted for being different and that the majority of vampires wanted peace.

Some places like Forks thought they were really cool, but most places not so much. In fact, Forks may have been a little too chill.

Combeferre took a picture of everyone sitting on the barricade and posted it all over social media. And they waited. The police set up a detour for the road they were blocking. And they waited some more.

"SOMEONE GET ANGRY AT US SO WE CAN SHUT YOU DOWN GODDAMN IT!" roared Enjolras. He buried his face in his hands and started to cry. "Why is everyone so fucking chill around here?!"

Grantaire hugged Enjolras and kissed his face and neck. "I brought condoms so you can fuck me until I can't walk through your tears of anger tonight."

"GOOD!"

"I lost a tooth!" Feuilly ran out of the cafe and held up his tooth. "It was scary but I pulled it out."

Bahorel helped him up and wrapped his arms around him. "I'm happy for you sweetie. The tooth fairy will give you a treat tonight."

"I can't believe you just sexualized the tooth fairy," sobbed Jehan as he morosely wrote poetry.

"I was referring to gummy bears you monster!"

"I'm offended by the term 'monster'," said Marius with a frown.

"Jesus," muttered Bahorel.

"I'm Marius."

Courfeyrac laid down and stared at the sky. "Well, it was a nice trip getting here. I suppose we'll all take turns sleeping in the motel and sitting here."

Ebonine was feeling unloved and still desperately wanted to be a vampire. She thought for a moment and tripped and fell hard on the ground, hitting her head on the way.

"Oh God, Marius! You have to turn me! We can live forever!" she whined. Marius looked down at her as Combeferre called an ambulance.

"No, we can't live forever, Ebonine," he said gently. "Vampires don't have health insurance."


End file.
